On pins and needles

I've been waiting all day for news from a potential employer. They were supposed to make a decision today, and the chair told me that I would definitely hear from her. What complicates the situation is that I fell in love with this university when they interviewed me Monday past.

It's no exaggeration to say that "I fell in love." I realized earlier this afternoon that the emotions I was experiencing were identical to the emotions I used to feel when I was courting women: my stomach twisting inside me, and shame following closely on my heels, eager to seize any opportunity to latch its fangs onto my neck and suck what little confidence I possess out of my veins.

Waiting for a woman to return a phone call, or to reply to an email, magnified this feeling several times. Day after day of waiting meant a growing anticipation and certainty that no news was bad news. I find it ironic that women are depicted on television and in the movies as wondering, Why doesn't he call? He said he would; why doesn't he call? All my life, it's been quite the opposite: women have had no qualms about leaving me hanging for days and days... Worse, if I gave up and called them, the answer was invariably something like, Oh! as if she had forgotten, followed by, I'm too busy this weekend; call me again next week.

Sigh. Let's not discuss what she'd say next week. I've never understood why women consider this a way of letting a man down gently.

Back to the employment question: until now (Thursday 4.53pm) I have heard nothing from the chair. It's possible that she tried to call me at my home in Raleigh. I am not there, however; I am visiting my parents, so of course I won't hear anything if she calls there. I was hoping to receive an email, but nothing has come. I feel like I'm going out of my mind.

It's like the period immediately before my fiancée and I admitted we were in love: I revised every email 2 or 3 times before sending it. As soon as I pressed "Send", I would start imagining the worst possible reaction; I would worrying over every written word, every expressed affection. One moment, I despaired that I had revealed too much; the next moment, I feared that I might lose through excess subtlety the opportunity to learn that she also felt an attraction. If no email came, I would be climbing the walls with despair. On the other hand, my fiancée was a little unique: she never made me wait more than a day or two.

Don't ask about our phone calls. She has no idea how terrified I was that she would misunderstand something I said, and she would never talk to me again.

Well, it's 5.30. I guess I can email the chair now without seeming too "creepy". ;-)