Eleven things baby has taught me

Here are the things I've learned since having a baby, in no particular order.

1. Baby's stomach never holds as much milk as baby thinks it can.


2. It's no one's fault when baby cries. That's just what they do. It's not necessarily my fault if the baby keeps crying, either. After all, I can't feed her.


3. Babies in search of a nipple are insane. She lifts her head and bangs her open mouth against your shoulder, for example, or she lunges to the side, and it's all you can do to stop her from plunging head-first onto the floor.


4. It's amazing how love will inspire one to touch disgusting things casually.


5. Babies keep some, ah, "gifts" in reserve. Once daddy has cleaned the bottom thoroughly and removed the old diaper — but right before he puts the new diaper under baby — the floodgates open.


6. I can drive cautiously if I really want to.


7. It's not the lack of sleep that's irritating, but the irregularity of sleep.


8. Beware of grandparents who bring two year-old nephews. The grandparents have forgotten how two year-olds act, and the new parents will have more stress, not less.


9. The hospital will not give refunds. There is no guarantee of satisfaction, no warranty, nothing. This item is sold strictly on an "as-is" basis. Amazingly, there are no laws prohibiting this business practice.


10. During the birthing process, the doctor shows up only for the very last bit. Most of the labor coaching, drug administration, etc. is performed by the nurse.


11. Those who enter the medical professions love people. They want to dedicate their lives to helping others and making boatloads of cash. It involves a lot of late nights, bodily fluids, nervous family, hurry-up-and-wait, etc. Our heartfelt appreciation to the nurses and doctors of the hospital.